Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta...

I wish we could skip Mondays. I just feel the need to share my day.
While my husband is working second shift, I'm trying not to be the sleep hog I normally am. On a normal day, I snooze the alarm clock about 8 times, and then wake up swearing because I'm running late. Oh no, not today... I woke up on the first alarm! I did this for two reasons, a) I didn't want the alarm to bother him, and b) I was hoping to get up earlier so it wouldn't be such a power struggle to dress my daughter. Oh, was I wrong...
About 15 minutes after I had done my zombie stagger to the coffee pot, Sophie woke up, and she was PISSED. (Lesson learned: Sometimes your defense will never be better than their offense) No matter, it's cool. I got her Fruit Loops and juice and she comes with me to fix my hair and make-up. So, as she knocks over her cereal, she screams, "Damn!" Excellent, my two year old just used a swear word in the correct context. Thank you, I will accept the mother of the year award. Whatever, let's just get dressed.
After surgically removing her binky from her mouth, I set off to find her blankets to send to daycare. Ok, we're dressed (and I look mighty sexy, if I do say so myself, perfect make-up, cascading curly hair, I'm a fox today) and ready to walk out the door. Wait, what's that lodged in her mouth? Another binky? Where did it come from?? That's when I found her secret stash of binkys in her room. Crafty little booger hid them in toys so that when I wouldn't give her one she could just self-service. (Lesson learned: Sometimes your offense will never be better than their defense.)
While handing her blankets over to the daycare teacher, i notice something black and lacy on her blanket. What is that? Oh no... is that my panties? Why, yes it is. I'm the dumb ass who forgot to put in the anti static dryer sheet. Wow. Sometimes my domestic prowess amazes even me.
At this point I realize I have not had enough coffee yet, so I pull into Sonic to get an overpriced sub-par latte.
"Yes, I'd like a caramel latte please."
"I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have hot lattes anymore. We only have them iced."
Really?
"Ok, then can I have an iced latte without ice?"
Why the hell would you have one latte and not the other? Coffee is made hot and you add ice to cool it, right? Whatever!
I need some hardcore rap music about this time. I don't look like your typical rap-loving girl, but I'm a rapper at heart. So I put in some old school Master P. Make 'em say UH na na na na. I'm burning up from my morning through hell, so my window is down and the music so loud and I'm rapping with P. Of course I would pull up to some elderly people at the red light, and of course they go to church with my grandmother.
Hell, it's been a long day already and I haven't even made it work.
Do you ever have days at work where you honestly believe that the life is just being sucked out of you?
"Hey, could you check by the fax machine? I think I may have left my soul sitting out there. Thanks"
It was just a day when I couldn't concentrate. Of course, the fatigue and lack of concentration could be attributed to mercury poisoning from all the tuna I'm eating. Setting goals to lose weight is great, but it's kind of a bitch, too.
I'm not participating in Monday next week, just so we're clear. I did learn a lot today:

Sometimes, no matter who makes the plays, Offense or Defense, your team will lose and your two year old's team will be better.
Sometimes you should double check to make sure you put in the anti static sheet.
You should always edit yourself in front of toddlers. (Later in the day, she also repeated "shit" and "retard" as I was having road rage.)
Sometimes you get embarrassed at red lights.
But something to always remember...
Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Recommended dosage of children

Warning: The following will contain my opinions and thoughts. I'm simply stating what most parents truly feel but are too ashamed to say. I love my daughter with all my heart and am most thankful for her. If you're easily offended at somewhat sarcastic parental humor, then please take this opportunity to navigate away from this page.

I was shopping with my cutie daughter the other day when I found myself in the cereal aisle with a young couple. *Just a side note, I have no idea why I'm so approachable and random strangers tell me everything, but it happens*

"Aww.. How precious! How old is she?"

"She will be two in May. She's a handful, but she cracks me up."

"We're thinking of having children. Do you recommend it?"

Ok, What? First of all, you're asking me, a complete stranger, if I "recommend" having a baby. Second, do we recommend babies like doctors recommend antibiotics? Really?

"Oh, Dr. My life is unfulfilled"

"Well, ma'am take two babies and call me in the morning."

Stop this nonsense right now.

I told the woman yes, I would "recommend" children, but I walked away confused. As I was getting milk, I had the extreme urge to run up to that poor, unsuspecting woman that I had just sentenced to a life of Spongebob Squarepants, potty training, and stretch marks and tell her I lied! No, I don't "recommend" it! Keep your petite figure, keep your own schedule and social life, and for God's sakes you don't have to watch Nickelodeon!

Let's be honest, social life is pretty much over for a few years after a child. We all pretend it's not, but it is! Not too many friends want to hang out with you and the babies. Sure, we could have someone else watch our kids every weekend while we go out and do things, but I talk shit about those kinds of moms all the time. I miss getting dressed up with some slutty heels and going out. I miss drinking at a bar. I want a date with my husband and not feel guilty!

Stretch marks? Honey, I have no idea. I'm thinking about just getting a full body tattoo of a sexy body to cover those bitches up. Don't even get me started on how much different my ass looks now.

Bottom line, I love my daughter with everything in my soul. What should I have said to the couple in the grocery store? Do I "recommend" children? Absolutely, take mine and call me in the morning.

*Side note, No, I would not actually give my child to strangers in the grocery store. So put down the phone, no need to call DCS.*

Changes in T minus 10, 9, 8...

Last Wednesday was just warm enough to ride with the windows down and not freeze to death. Aerosmith's "Crazy" was on the radio. I love this song and I always have. Since this song came out, I have always stopped to sing along when it comes on. So it made me wonder, do we change or do we just go through different motions?

Yeah, we make life changes all the time, but how much do we really change? How much of the changes we do are just because it's something we know we should do? I know I should exercise, but I don't like to. I know I should take vitamins, but I'm too lazy. And we all know that doughnuts taste better than broccoli. But no matter what, even at my lowest rock-bottom points, I still loved Aerosmith.

When people would comment and say "You've changed. You're not the same person." Really? Have I changed or am I just going thorough different motions? I didn't think I had changed. My whole life I have always had the same opinions on key issues, always liked the same kind of jelly, always liked the same types of people. Every morning when I put on make-up, I turn on music and lip-sync to the mirror while I imagine a music video starring myself. I've done this since I was 15. So did I "change" or just go off the beaten path? I think that when people say, "You've changed" what they mean to say is, "You're not the cat lady I envisioned you to be."

People say having a baby changes you. True. Mostly. Do I finally love someone more than myself. Yes. Will it change the way people on the street see me? No. It does change the way I see toys. That's not a baton with sparkly tassels, that's a beating stick with sparkly shit that she will try to swallow. That's not an educational talking alphabet board, that's an obnoxiously loud, battery hungry brick that will be dropped on my toes. So yeah, a baby changes things.

But besides being a parent and going to war, do we ever really change? Marriage is borderline, in my opinion. When we are single we go out and do things that we're supposed to do when we're single. But why are we supposed to date everyone we see, go to clubs, and generally make an ass out of ourselves when we're single? I don't think you change when you get married, I think you wipe the sweat from your brow and breathe a sigh of relief that single life is over and you can finally start living with some dignity.

So what, in essence is a catalyst for real change? I'm talking a change from the core. I've been through a lot and made a lot of "changes" but I'm still the same person. I still love Aerosmith, making music videos, and I have a funny feeling I will always prefer a doughnut over broccoli.