Did Jillian call for me?

I love ice cream. I love a bowl full of ice cream, covered in chocolate syrup, toasted pecans, chocolate chips, and maybe just a dash of flaked coconut. Oh yes, I love ice cream. What do I do while eating said ice cream? Why, I watch trashy movies about abusive husbands on Lifetime, of course! I was enjoying aforementioned ice cream and trashy movie when Jillian Michaels popped on the screen. Damn you, Jillian!

Why at this particular moment, when I am indulging in the most perfect bowl of heavenly dairy delights, must you lecture me on changing my life? Of course, everyone feels fat this time of year. I'm fat, you're fat, we're all fat. It's always our New Year's resolution to lose five hundred pounds by August. We will diet for a whole week before caving in and going to that ridiculously greasy (meaning delicious) burger place.
"Yes, I'll have the double-cheese-everything burger with a side of shame please."

Damn you, Jillian. Do you know what I would give to have Jillian Michaels work out with my fat ass for a month? I've seriously tried to convince my husband to dedicate our tax refund to this purpose. So far, it's not going well. She makes it look so effortless, with her perfect abs, go-getter attitude, and nutrition knowledge. Damn you, Jillian.

I'm really trying to get healthier and all that good stuff, but it's so hard and requires work. So far, my workouts consist of Toddler Squats. Hold your toddler in a horizontal position, squat, and LIFT your toddler in the air. Works butt, quads, arms, forearms, abs, shoulders, and hurts your back. For the more advanced Toddler Squatter, try tickling said toddler while airborne. This will cause screaming, which will add a headache to your already pulsating back problems.

My meal plan is simple to follow. Plan on getting up earlier than normal to cook a healthy veggie-egg scramble thing with some turkey bacon. Pack a light salad with some soup for lunch. At work, resist all the snacking going on (chips, crackers, cereal, did I mention there was Girl Scout cookies at work today?) Now at lunch, resist the urge to order the double burger with shame. It sounds good right now, but think about how the zipper popping off your pants sounds. That does not sound good. Since the toddler will need fuel for his or her Toddler Squats later, feed the toddler a grilled cheese and fruit. They will inevitably decide they want your salad as well. So no dinner means less calories.

I also have a real problem working out at home to a DVD when there are people around. Unless you're working out with me, then go away. Seriously, when doing yoga my mini-muffin top hangs over doing the Downward Dog, and I'd rather keep this private. I have no problem with the gym. My husband does though. "Why pay for the membership when you could work out at home or we could run." Yeah, I'm not being chased so I'm not running, and I just covered the whole working out at home thing.

It will happen this year. I'm losing fifty pounds by June. By the way, we are switching the October and June on the calendar. So if anyone sees or talks to Jillian Michaels, tell her to get in touch with me.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes, I finished the ice cream with the nuts, syrup, and coconut. It was delicious.